I am linking this snippet of a much larger work of mine with Lillie McFerrin's Five Sentence Fiction where this week's word is "Paradise".
Santos' Quest is a full-scale novel that I have been working on since I was 24, and has been the most challenging writing project that I have ever had on my plate, mainly because of some of the characters that I still have a hard time letting go, but at the same time, have a need to eliminate.
This following snippet has been modified to fit the five sentence requirement.
Santos Quest: New Year's Day 2280
Kaiden Santos let his gaze fall over the trail of marching troops from his seventh floor balcony, watching as a new way of life was confirmed by the overwhelming cheers, leaving behind a defeated tyrranical rule.
The new leading voice blared everywhere from above, promising a paradise for all universal citizens everywhere, a promise that was comforting to the beaming faces in the streets, but Kaiden's only comfort lied in the touch of her hands that gently laid over him.
"It's finally over," her soft voice caressed over his ear.
Kaiden breathed deep with careful subtlety while the image of Amelia, who had been ripped away from both their lives from a supposed military academy accident, still lingered in his mind, and for the sake of keeping the calm, he said, "I guess it is."
Masses of cheering faces were growing larger in the streets now, their hearts and hopes alive with a new vision as Kaiden glared at the face of the ruling voice, plastered on the hovering craft in the sky, the same man he once looked up to...the same man who had to die along with all his lies.
It's great that you have a story that you could pull a five-sentence section out of that still has a complete scene. It sounds interesting and I hope to see it published someday! I really could picture the scene with the cheering crowds.
ReplyDeleteThere is part of one sentence that seems awkward - the part with, "but Kaiden's only comfort lied in the touch of her hands that gently laid over him." I was wondering if it would flow better with something like, "but Kaiden's only comfort lay in the gentle touch of her hands on his body." It's still a little awkward since it seems to refer to a previous mention of the person that isn't part of the abbreviated story - but that happens when you pull out a small part like this. Not a big problem for posting on FSF.
And I hope your friend recovers quickly - I've been through more than a few motorcycle accidents myself and know the feeling!
Thanks K.R for the help on that sentence. Good to see you drop in again and hope you are doing well. That does sound a little better.
DeleteMotorcycles have always scared the crap out of me. I'm disabled, so have nver ridden one. But if I was able to, I would not take a chance on those things.
Thanks for the kind words on my friend. He still has a long way to go before full recovery and still not certain he will be the same before the accident but the important thing is he is still around. =D
I enjoyed the story, more so knowing it comes from something much bigger!
ReplyDeleteMy husband came off his motorbike in the new year, so I know the feeling...he's doing well, and keen to get back on the bike once it's all fixed up again! Best wishes to your friend.