Today's story asks the question of wether Carl is really turning into a delusional alcoholic or maybe he has discovered something far more disturbing.
Have a good weekend everyone! =-)
Carl knew he was not the known for his looks, but once in a while, he did manage to steal a few inviting smiles and gestures from some attractive ladies from time to time, but never from women quite as beautiful as the one that was sitting at a table from a corner of the lounge.
Maybe it was the drink that made her appear to smile, Carl thought as he sipped on a cold ale, but to assure himself, he tapped on a passing elderly waiter and gestured toward the young woman at the corner. "I'd like to buy that lady over there a drink."
The waiter squints and looks over to the corner and looks back at Carl blankly, and when Carl gestures toward the woman again, the waiter tells him, "I'm sorry sir but that corner area has been off limits since 1972, the year that the owner's daughter, Ms. Joy Harris, was killed in that horrible car accident."
With chills streaking down his spine, Carl shot back the last of his ale, waved to the bartender , paid his tab and bolted out of that place faster than his racing heart, promising himself that he would never drink another day, but more importantly, he would never set foot on The Euphoria Escape Lounge ever again.
I liked that, very spooky and well put together!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lisa! I appreciate the commment and thank you for stopping by. ;-)
DeleteFavorite bits: I definitely like the story notion. It makes me sad you've only got the five sentences; more would be great. Hell, I'd be a fan of a full-blown ghosty romance. It's always fun to buy dead girls drinks, amirite? Also, very cute gal in the pic. Where'd you nab the image from?
ReplyDeleteCritiquey stuff: "once in a while" and "from time to time" in sentence one are redundant; and I have a personal distaste for "appear to smile." Don't we either think someone's smiling or not? I either say "I think they smiled" or "They smiled" if I catch someone flashing teeth at me. The "appears" seems over-proper.
Write on,
Rob
Hi Rob, thanks for dropping by.
DeleteThe idea behind these short writing practices, at least for me, is to set the first building block for a potentially bigger story, but mainly write them just for fun.
I like to start small, sometimes leave my characters hanging on a cliffhanger or on an incomplete sentence. That way when I come back to it, I know I won't get too consumed with a possible writer's block and continue where I left off.
The image is from some Pinterest page I stumbled across and I am not really sure of its origin.
On your critique, you pinpointed what actually bugged me about the first paragraph in the first place so thanks. Not gonna fret over it though since, as mentioned before, mainly just for kicks.
Thanks again and have a great weekend! =-)
If you're going to have a vision, it might as well be a beautiful one.
ReplyDeletekicks managed.
JzB
I second that comment (about the vision).
DeleteWOW! A beautiful evocation :) and, yes, we believe in ghosts :)
ReplyDeleteNice twist on an old theme. I wish I'd thought of it - I would have been able to do that horror story on my post!
ReplyDeleteA fun twist on the classic bar scene. One that will always Carl wondering! I write Five Sentence Fiction for the same reason you do, the fun of the exercise, not fretting too much about polish or perfection. If I planned to expound on it and draw it into something larger later on, then I'd make a concerted effort. As it is, I dash them off quite quickly just to see if I can please myself with a tale in five sentences, since my essay writing is known to go on and on and on! :-)
ReplyDelete